I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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