i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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