new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
