He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
