Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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