I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
