Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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