I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
