worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize