Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
