she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wear drunk well.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
