My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
