I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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