So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
