Duck Duck Cougar?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
