I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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