I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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