Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
