She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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