I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
