So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
