woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
