I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Less talking, more tequila
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
