No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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