you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
