so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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