I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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