i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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