Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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