This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
