i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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