Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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