So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
