U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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