I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have aggressive nipples.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
