How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
