90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
