he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
