Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
