I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
