don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she told me i tasted like america
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
