I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
