Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
