Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
