I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
