The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
