i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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