I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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