when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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