dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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