Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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